Knowing for the first time i was actually having a baby in my womb was both exciting and fearful..the thoughts came rushing: what will happen to me? what am i gonna do with this baby? am i gonna be a good mom? or will i ever learn how to be one? The first few weeks of really seeing a baby and realizing it actually to have come out from my own body was terrifying for me. Now, this is reality here and i had to be in it regardless whether i was ready or not...and it was not at all really hard to be one. What with God's infinite, amazing works! A mother is the perfect design of a nurturing, caring and loving piece of creation God has so perfectly designed for such specific purpose. I wonder how , in the world, there a few moms out there who can't (or won't?) be what they are supposed to be...God is always a willing God who extends help and aide whenever i cry out to Him, as in anything!
But being a mom doesn't end or stop there..it's just began.. I have three beautiful, wonderful girls and i am dealing with three different persons. Each of them is distinctly crafted by the Creator, and specifically designed for His own purpose and intention. How do i make this known to them? Tough one, huh?...
Love is first and foremost the essence of being a mother. The definition of it comes next. The manifestations- showing, giving and sharing follow. Still not an instantaneous thing to do, but can be mastered in time...and i intend to get there. More than just showing and giving it, i think the hardest part is understanding these children just because i love them even beyond reasons. There is and will always be a provision for consideration whenever they step one line across the border of discipline and character. After all, i can pull them back, anyway, if force be the answer . That is one privilege a mom has (at least, for me). To put one foot forward and take that solid stand for a "no!" if and when needed. All of them say I am more stern when it comes to discipline and character building. It has always been clear to them what the rules are in and outside the house. How to conduct themselves among them, siblings, around relatives, amidst friends, acquaintances and strangers and most especially with the elders and authorities and men and women in uniforms.
Yes, they are allowed to make mistakes but only to learn from them. Doing it twice is intentional, thrice is stupidity. They neither want to be called deliberate wrongdoers nor dumb sinners, so i guess stubbornness is not really a main concern for us. Thank God.. Being heard by us, parents, whether in arguments or disputes, defense of offense or plainly reasoning out, or airing an opinion - they are all free to do these. I am most interested hearing them say their piece for i get to learn a lot from them. Imagine having a vivid scene of their minds, what actually is brewing in there and how they actually display them. Sounds very interesting to me. Wonders of all wonders, i am surprised to hear things and thoughts i never imagine hearing from them. What with the old fashioned, old school i was raised up from..no way i can say a word when my aunts speak. I can only listen and say one word : yes (or opo). That is why i am giving my children the right to speak up their minds. This is communication in action. Love is an active thing, it is a verb, not a noun. It should be filled with adjectives and is not restricted with tenses. It must be progressive, not passive. But must always be completed or ended with respect. Respect for opinion and person.
So, what are the joys and pains of being a mom?
First, the joys:
hearing their first cry after delivery getting sure they're alive and strong
being recognized the first time as the mom and was actually called "mama" by my baby
seeing my baby dependent and helpless without me
giving them the immunization and booster shots they need to keep them from getting sick
feeding them every spoon of food they need to grow and actually see how they grow in my care
their first visit to the dentist
talking to them in words they can understand with
realizing they believe every word i say i better be careful
discovering they do eavesdropping the best i have to watch my choice of words
knowing it's not as hard as i think learning school stuff for them is
being firm in instilling moral values early on for they will carry it their entire life
hearing them say they made friends in school
getting a call from their teacher asking me and daddy to attend their recognition day we have to pin them a medal
trying on them beginner's bra
running to me scared and excited they got their period for the first time
worried, they get the zits and acne they all hate to see in their face, and finding all treatments and beauty products to eliminate them
going to the couturier for their prom gown
the first trip to the dermatologist
revealing who their prom date would be
listening to them describe their first crush
having a male guest in the house looking for my eldest then a college junior
knowing she turned down the guy, he's not her type
attending graduations-preschool, elementary, college
having their friends sleep over for they are not allowed to do that
getting a chance to speak with their friends and giving them piece of advice as per my daughters' advise
accompanying my girls, one by one, each her own time, to the church altar to receive Christ in their hearts for the first time
watching them join "youth camp" and ministries, to be of service for God
seeing them grow in the knowledge of the Word of God
hearing them share their faith to relatives and friends
having them as source of strength and encouragement when i'm down and dissappointed
rebuking me for my attitude and harsh words i don't really mean, but uttered just the same
getting a hug and a kiss from each of them whenever they leave and arrive home
sunday lunch out with the family
shopping with them at a mall or a grocery store
trying out with them anything new-food, shampoo, books, resto, malls, music, etc
watching them enjoying the food i cook
talking to them after each meal, telling them jokes they find me so funny like i'm not the mom
staying another hour in the dining table after dinner just talking
belting it out with them the "magic sing"
watching dvd's with them on a lazy sunday afternoon.
hearing their applause, i made it across the pool floating
making them pulvuron and handing them down tried and tested recipes
putting up the Christmas tree
going to my mother in law's house on Christmas eve for dinner and rushing home before twelve
counting down the clock to twelve on Christmas eve
opening gifts on Christmas eve
again, counting down the clock to twelve on new year's day and having champagne, cheese and cold cuts from santi's
...and anything and everything that makes me a mom...
there are pains,too...
finding ways to make them comfortable during sleepless nights
wishing their sleeping habits as a baby return to normal so they'll feel better
hearing them cry because they're not well
seeing them fall for the first time after the first few steps
knowing they can't eat because they're sick
not knowing where it hurts when they cry they can't talk yet
trying not to cry when they do during immunizations and ear piercings
giving them solid foods for the first time i didn't know if it hurt the tongue or what, their faces turn sour
replacing the feeding bottles to glass trainers for the first time, they look for the taste and smell of the teats, they miss it so much
the agony of putty training, they want the diapers instead
the long baths they're trying to do on their own, i wish they get chills sometimes
when they want their way and throw weight around, i wish they're still not talking (joke)
the fights as to what is appropriate to wear, when and where
the shoes gone small (they've outgrown) but still want to wear
the favorite shirt they wish would not get dirty at all
the security pillow (unan baho)
the first day in school- it appears the doomsday for them
when they want me to stay in the classroom and the teacher wants me out
the teacher wants me out of sight of my baby!
my baby desperately looking for me and cries her heart out not seeing me
someone in the class bullied her i want to kill the kid
a classmate grab her baon/food
she wasn't called when she raised her hand to recite
she can do certain things on her own i don't feel needed at times
she chooses her own outfit
she wants her own room without me in it
sometimes moody, sometimes sweet (can't she stay just sweet?)
telling me she's not the crush of her crush
wanting a pair of shoes and not finding her size
wishing all her baby fats gone and me wishing i'm a genie
seeing her sad because of pimples breaking through her face
feeling the pain of acne surgery being done on them
wishing you could have their menstrual cramps instead
seeing boys looking at my girls maliciously
realizing my baby turned lady is now in danger of "falling in love"
knowing puppy love is not true love and finding it hard to make them believe me
seeing them cry because of a guy for the first time
knowing they are hurt because they've fallen in love
painstakingly explaining that pain is part of love...
that sometimes, it takes a little sacrifice on their part (but i'm afraid they'd overdo it)
fearing a guy would take advantage of their being nice
seeing them inching little by little away
telling me one day her boyfriend is leaving he needed to stay in the states
seeing her cry everyday and every night because she's sad and misses him
when arguments arise between us because of differing opinion and personality
one of them snapped back at me
i kept quiet believing she didn't mean it
she didn't and said sorry,painful still, but had to happen for that's what life is
a confession of sin committed by them
the fear of not being enough for them
the thought of loosing them to those who will really own them
the reality that no matter how close and attached we are to each other, they will still go on with their own lives without me.
that no matter how much i love them, i will let them go and let them be even if i don't agree
that i am just a mere vessel of nurture and care God has intended every parent to be
though i am my children's parent and have authority over them, God has authority over me
whether i like it or not, God has the final say regarding my children
it may be painful for a mom, but that's what moms are called for..to endure..
CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD. THEY ARE TRUE BLESSINGS IF WE CONSIDER THEM AS SUCH, REGARDLESS IF THEY ARE A SOURCE OF JOY AND PRIDE OR PAIN AND SADNESS. THEY WILL BE WHAT THEY WILL BE ACCORDING TO HOW AND WHAT WE MOLD THEM WITH. BEING A MOTHER IS A PRIVILEGE. IT IS A TRUST BETWEEN GOD AND HER.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
i say
"I am not a perfect daughter; but it is through these imperfections that i find my mother perfect."
-cyrob
"A dying, restless spirit i will be, had JESUS not come to rescue me."
Thank you,LORD that you do not change even if I do,
and you remain the same even if i don't.
-cyrob
"A dying, restless spirit i will be, had JESUS not come to rescue me."
Thank you,LORD that you do not change even if I do,
and you remain the same even if i don't.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
GOD DISCLOSES A LITTLE...
Everyday, God discloses a little something about Himself.It's been years now since i experienced some kind of "vision" i hardly understand and none of them makes it easy for me to accept or ever gets myself anywhere near to embracing it. Why would i "feel" earthquakes before it happens when and where?..and as if it's not confusing enough to be denied of the reason(s) why in the world must i know of it when i can't do anything to stop it or just anything about it. Later, i would learn that God discloses a little...just enough to make me pause and wonder...
Recently, i lost my mom to an old-age illness. Although diabetes and hypertension run in the family medical history, i am grateful that she caught it at age 77. Months before her death, i was perplexed at this strange feeling. I would be very nervous when i was most relaxed and cause for stress is nowhere in sight. I take 5mg.of Strumazol everyday for my hyperthyroidism and that should keep the hyperactivity of my thyroid hormone glands down or normal, so to speak. So it bothers me to be feeling eerie. The best solution to this is prayer, i learned, and so i did and always do extra at these times. The sense of urgency to pray for my mom crept in. I asked God to grant me the privilege to be around if and when something bad would happen to my dear mother. I want to make sure i can take care of her if needed. Sounds like a good bargain, right? But, no. I don't even want to think of the inevitable coming.
Around January of this year, my family was planning on a trip to the U.S. and things went on smoothly and pretty fast. From securing the visas down to the last hotel booking for sidetrips were all a bliss. Strangely, i felt a bit of uneasiness again. Then, i started to pray for the plans; that if this is not His plan for us, that's ok as long as He will prepare me for something else. There goes the bargain again. That prayer, period. Comes the waiting game...
Our plane tickets has April 22,2007 as its departure date. My mother was rushed to the hospital Apr.17 due to difficulty of breathing. She needs angioplasty that would open up the blocked arteries causing her chest congestion, palpitations and limited mobility. But the risks are greater than the cure and relief considering her age at the time which is 80. I would visit her everyday and would try as much as i can to make her feel better, trying to avoid the idea of the risky procedure. On april 19, i was planning to visit her in the afternoon but for some nonsense reason (from my viewpoint), i postponed it till later that night. When i arrived at the hospital, she was catching her breath, restless and irritable. She said she couldn't breath well. My eldest sister and nephew seemed still relax and were hoping it would soon go away. But not me. I went to the nurses' station and asked them to see my mom and to please do something, anything to relieve her of the condition because i can see that she was starting to feel nervous, herself. It took them like eternity to move and act until my mother literally began to huff and puff, grew her face so pale, it looked like a piece of typewriting paper. All these times, i was at her side together with her yaya, holding her hands, saying that she was gonna be alright; that we would do anything to make her feel better, and would have the doctors do everything they could to put her in best condition again. She repeatedly told me to tell the doctors to make her breath again normally because if not, she might die. Again and again she uttered those words fearfully. And we were both crying, all of us crying. If only i could do something to ease her of pain; if i could only take out what's blocking her arteries...Her breathing sounded short and out of air; her shoulders up and were never down again until it seemed like she breathed her last. I hurriedly and frantically searched for her heartbeat but couldn't find it in her chest, under her face, the middle of her lower neck, her wrists-it's gone! I shouted the doctor and realizing they have a life to save( or bring back?), did all things medical science could. For about seven minutes she was lying there, motionless and lifeless. Her hands earlier steadily gripping mine were now both loose and would not hold back no matter how loud i called her nanay...I muttered a prayer, "Lord, bring her back! bring her back, please..!" A little later, she started to pull air in again, and again, and again until the doctors started putting tubes through her mouth straight to her lungs. That would make her breathing easier and better. That would mean she would be brought to the intensive care unit and be monitored closely until we decide to put her under the angioplasty procedure...That was the most dreadful, most painful, longest seven minutes in my entire life... I realized it was all meant well that i went to the hospital in the evening rather than in the afternoon. Then it began to sink in. All the plans we did for the U.S. trip must be put aside now,at least for the time being and i am okay. my family is and we all want to stay for nanay. I know, God is disclosing a little of His character. He wants to be fully in all my plans for He can not give me what i need if I won't let Him. Sure, i can do all the plans in the world.. He doesn't take that away from me. But taking Him in every step of my way in this life is not all hard either.
For a week now, my nanay still stayed in the ICU and we took turns visiting her. Every member of the family saw to it that he/she can go and see her. There were days that nanay would seem to get better. But as days went on, her heart condition is taking the better of her. One day, she looked fine and would ask when can she get out of the ICU for she's ok already (according to her). The next day, she would look so waisted and too tired that doctors would not allow her even to speak. Holding her hands when i was on her side, i would always tell her, "I love you", and will grip my hand back. It was enough for us, no need for words..
It was april 24, my birthday, and my father greeted me a happy one. I told him i'm not happy. at all. Feeling so helpless, i cried bitterly, thinking if i could only do something to make my nanay even a bit better, if not to afford the angioplasty. Leaving the hospital in a state of desperation and sadness, a prayer for her was on my mind until i fell asleep. The next day, the money we were all wondering where and when it might come from came one day. My two other sisters in the States, by God's miraculous grace and perfect timing were able to secure the money needed for angioplasty of my mom. There was no time waisted and the procedure was scheduled, leaving everyone of us very hopeful nanay would come out strong and bubbly again...I suddenly missed her at that point. Always wearing a smile when she sees me and my daughters. Never failing to offer any food there is, no matter how simple and little, whenever we visit her. I could vividly imagine her in the kitchen whipping up recipes that only she can cook perfectly because hers is done without accurate measurements but all dependent on her taste. Her wisdom shared with us at the time it is most needed; always spoken with love, sans condemnation if ever any of us failed her. Those "girl talk" we had during happy moments amidst lack and want in life. She would always tell us, "a person is human enough if he/she knows how and what it is to be ashamed of, and always carry with him/her manners". My family had a lot of those trying times when we only have each other and would be contented with whatever there is. Those sad and trying times of survival..and boy, how we did! All because we have this amazing, wonderful woman: deprived of earthly wealth but richest in wisdom and strength. Building my own family left my mom and i little time together but every time i visit her, she never failed to ask how my husband is, our married life, my children's well-being.. she wanted to be in it, no matter how insignificant it may seem to everyone else. But not to me, or any of her gestures. I value them so much even if I may have failed to show her that. Nothing can measure or size up how i looked up to her.
The next day, my sister, Ottie, in the states called me up to say that money for the procedure was on its way. We scheduled right away the angioplasty the following day, the 26th. Excitement filled the air and the hearts of everyone knowing that finally, we could see her again in her usual bubbly, happy, and talkative mood. Everyone was hopeful but something in my heart was feeling adversely. It would not go away even if i deny and reject it. When i looked at nanay's face when she was being wheeled out of the ICU and loaded on the ambulance(procedure to be done in another hospital), I sensed peace and calmness in her. I wasn't sure now if she understood or even grasp what i said, that she'll be okay soon after the procedure; and that i love her...Still, i was wrestling the idea that God was trying to put in my mind and heart now. Strongly resentful, i said no! But God kept on disclosing something to me..
A few minutes passed and the doctor came out of the room to tell us that this was an emergency now after the angiogram revealed that there were three blocked arteries, one of which is the main artery. He was asking us the permission to do the angioplasty. Of course my ate connie and i agreed without hesitation and even asked him to do it quickly. My heart was pounding hard and loud. The whisper of the "thought" (or vision?) came louder as well and suddenly, i wanted to be deaf, if only to avoid hearing and feeling it. GOD,NO!...Please...? My excitement to see the doctor emerging from the door was now replaced with fear. I know that the moment he walked out of it, he would break the saddest news i was to hear in my life...and it came...so soon, sooner than i thought, or maybe i wanted just to prolong life...that life lived out so well and full of meaning...that life full of heart to everyone, a heart meant to truly love and sacrifice for every one she loved...My dearest mom...my one and only one mother...i could no longer hold the hands of; i can never whisper "i love you" to anymore..it was painful, i can't seem to bear, i wanted to feel numb...i wanted to scream, to shout her name and call her back...but God said, "it is enough."; so gently and assuring, so heartwarming..so...fatherly. In the midst of pain and halfway through acceptance, He told me to be strong for my family who, now needs strength and He is willing to give it to each one of us. I must receive it and come out as He graciously wanted it..Strong in the LORD. I called up my husband to tell him that nanay is gone. He said he was sorry and arranged for the funeral service that must take the "body" from the hospital. The "body" that used to be that person i considered my best friend. The one who always understands me when everyone cannot; who always loved me through the unlovable times that i was; and who was willing to always take me back home in her arms when no one could and no one would. She used to tell me, "Remember, no matter how bad or ugly you may seem to other people i will still love you, it won't change because you're my child...and when no one seemed to love you, come back to me, i will always be here loving you." ....i will forever remember those words..i will never forget how God discloses these things and events to me before they actually happen, even how little..for i know they're enough. Enough for the day, for the moment because He is the god of sufficiency...and He knows me too well. I may be stubborn, yes. And i may always struggle listening. But only He knows how to deal with me...And i feel so loved and blessed despite the trying times and painful loss. He was there, He is still here as i nurse the wounds of death and try to embrace his healing. He discloses a little until perfection comes. He gives a preview of some of what was to take place, not all of it for His character, which is many, must remain an awesome truth for me. He reveals only what He knows i can handle, not what i just wanted to see....After all, He is the GOD and I am just his creation--He died for to ransom from death. I may have lost my mom now to Him. How else would i want her losing to?....
Recently, i lost my mom to an old-age illness. Although diabetes and hypertension run in the family medical history, i am grateful that she caught it at age 77. Months before her death, i was perplexed at this strange feeling. I would be very nervous when i was most relaxed and cause for stress is nowhere in sight. I take 5mg.of Strumazol everyday for my hyperthyroidism and that should keep the hyperactivity of my thyroid hormone glands down or normal, so to speak. So it bothers me to be feeling eerie. The best solution to this is prayer, i learned, and so i did and always do extra at these times. The sense of urgency to pray for my mom crept in. I asked God to grant me the privilege to be around if and when something bad would happen to my dear mother. I want to make sure i can take care of her if needed. Sounds like a good bargain, right? But, no. I don't even want to think of the inevitable coming.
Around January of this year, my family was planning on a trip to the U.S. and things went on smoothly and pretty fast. From securing the visas down to the last hotel booking for sidetrips were all a bliss. Strangely, i felt a bit of uneasiness again. Then, i started to pray for the plans; that if this is not His plan for us, that's ok as long as He will prepare me for something else. There goes the bargain again. That prayer, period. Comes the waiting game...
Our plane tickets has April 22,2007 as its departure date. My mother was rushed to the hospital Apr.17 due to difficulty of breathing. She needs angioplasty that would open up the blocked arteries causing her chest congestion, palpitations and limited mobility. But the risks are greater than the cure and relief considering her age at the time which is 80. I would visit her everyday and would try as much as i can to make her feel better, trying to avoid the idea of the risky procedure. On april 19, i was planning to visit her in the afternoon but for some nonsense reason (from my viewpoint), i postponed it till later that night. When i arrived at the hospital, she was catching her breath, restless and irritable. She said she couldn't breath well. My eldest sister and nephew seemed still relax and were hoping it would soon go away. But not me. I went to the nurses' station and asked them to see my mom and to please do something, anything to relieve her of the condition because i can see that she was starting to feel nervous, herself. It took them like eternity to move and act until my mother literally began to huff and puff, grew her face so pale, it looked like a piece of typewriting paper. All these times, i was at her side together with her yaya, holding her hands, saying that she was gonna be alright; that we would do anything to make her feel better, and would have the doctors do everything they could to put her in best condition again. She repeatedly told me to tell the doctors to make her breath again normally because if not, she might die. Again and again she uttered those words fearfully. And we were both crying, all of us crying. If only i could do something to ease her of pain; if i could only take out what's blocking her arteries...Her breathing sounded short and out of air; her shoulders up and were never down again until it seemed like she breathed her last. I hurriedly and frantically searched for her heartbeat but couldn't find it in her chest, under her face, the middle of her lower neck, her wrists-it's gone! I shouted the doctor and realizing they have a life to save( or bring back?), did all things medical science could. For about seven minutes she was lying there, motionless and lifeless. Her hands earlier steadily gripping mine were now both loose and would not hold back no matter how loud i called her nanay...I muttered a prayer, "Lord, bring her back! bring her back, please..!" A little later, she started to pull air in again, and again, and again until the doctors started putting tubes through her mouth straight to her lungs. That would make her breathing easier and better. That would mean she would be brought to the intensive care unit and be monitored closely until we decide to put her under the angioplasty procedure...That was the most dreadful, most painful, longest seven minutes in my entire life... I realized it was all meant well that i went to the hospital in the evening rather than in the afternoon. Then it began to sink in. All the plans we did for the U.S. trip must be put aside now,at least for the time being and i am okay. my family is and we all want to stay for nanay. I know, God is disclosing a little of His character. He wants to be fully in all my plans for He can not give me what i need if I won't let Him. Sure, i can do all the plans in the world.. He doesn't take that away from me. But taking Him in every step of my way in this life is not all hard either.
For a week now, my nanay still stayed in the ICU and we took turns visiting her. Every member of the family saw to it that he/she can go and see her. There were days that nanay would seem to get better. But as days went on, her heart condition is taking the better of her. One day, she looked fine and would ask when can she get out of the ICU for she's ok already (according to her). The next day, she would look so waisted and too tired that doctors would not allow her even to speak. Holding her hands when i was on her side, i would always tell her, "I love you", and will grip my hand back. It was enough for us, no need for words..
It was april 24, my birthday, and my father greeted me a happy one. I told him i'm not happy. at all. Feeling so helpless, i cried bitterly, thinking if i could only do something to make my nanay even a bit better, if not to afford the angioplasty. Leaving the hospital in a state of desperation and sadness, a prayer for her was on my mind until i fell asleep. The next day, the money we were all wondering where and when it might come from came one day. My two other sisters in the States, by God's miraculous grace and perfect timing were able to secure the money needed for angioplasty of my mom. There was no time waisted and the procedure was scheduled, leaving everyone of us very hopeful nanay would come out strong and bubbly again...I suddenly missed her at that point. Always wearing a smile when she sees me and my daughters. Never failing to offer any food there is, no matter how simple and little, whenever we visit her. I could vividly imagine her in the kitchen whipping up recipes that only she can cook perfectly because hers is done without accurate measurements but all dependent on her taste. Her wisdom shared with us at the time it is most needed; always spoken with love, sans condemnation if ever any of us failed her. Those "girl talk" we had during happy moments amidst lack and want in life. She would always tell us, "a person is human enough if he/she knows how and what it is to be ashamed of, and always carry with him/her manners". My family had a lot of those trying times when we only have each other and would be contented with whatever there is. Those sad and trying times of survival..and boy, how we did! All because we have this amazing, wonderful woman: deprived of earthly wealth but richest in wisdom and strength. Building my own family left my mom and i little time together but every time i visit her, she never failed to ask how my husband is, our married life, my children's well-being.. she wanted to be in it, no matter how insignificant it may seem to everyone else. But not to me, or any of her gestures. I value them so much even if I may have failed to show her that. Nothing can measure or size up how i looked up to her.
The next day, my sister, Ottie, in the states called me up to say that money for the procedure was on its way. We scheduled right away the angioplasty the following day, the 26th. Excitement filled the air and the hearts of everyone knowing that finally, we could see her again in her usual bubbly, happy, and talkative mood. Everyone was hopeful but something in my heart was feeling adversely. It would not go away even if i deny and reject it. When i looked at nanay's face when she was being wheeled out of the ICU and loaded on the ambulance(procedure to be done in another hospital), I sensed peace and calmness in her. I wasn't sure now if she understood or even grasp what i said, that she'll be okay soon after the procedure; and that i love her...Still, i was wrestling the idea that God was trying to put in my mind and heart now. Strongly resentful, i said no! But God kept on disclosing something to me..
A few minutes passed and the doctor came out of the room to tell us that this was an emergency now after the angiogram revealed that there were three blocked arteries, one of which is the main artery. He was asking us the permission to do the angioplasty. Of course my ate connie and i agreed without hesitation and even asked him to do it quickly. My heart was pounding hard and loud. The whisper of the "thought" (or vision?) came louder as well and suddenly, i wanted to be deaf, if only to avoid hearing and feeling it. GOD,NO!...Please...? My excitement to see the doctor emerging from the door was now replaced with fear. I know that the moment he walked out of it, he would break the saddest news i was to hear in my life...and it came...so soon, sooner than i thought, or maybe i wanted just to prolong life...that life lived out so well and full of meaning...that life full of heart to everyone, a heart meant to truly love and sacrifice for every one she loved...My dearest mom...my one and only one mother...i could no longer hold the hands of; i can never whisper "i love you" to anymore..it was painful, i can't seem to bear, i wanted to feel numb...i wanted to scream, to shout her name and call her back...but God said, "it is enough."; so gently and assuring, so heartwarming..so...fatherly. In the midst of pain and halfway through acceptance, He told me to be strong for my family who, now needs strength and He is willing to give it to each one of us. I must receive it and come out as He graciously wanted it..Strong in the LORD. I called up my husband to tell him that nanay is gone. He said he was sorry and arranged for the funeral service that must take the "body" from the hospital. The "body" that used to be that person i considered my best friend. The one who always understands me when everyone cannot; who always loved me through the unlovable times that i was; and who was willing to always take me back home in her arms when no one could and no one would. She used to tell me, "Remember, no matter how bad or ugly you may seem to other people i will still love you, it won't change because you're my child...and when no one seemed to love you, come back to me, i will always be here loving you." ....i will forever remember those words..i will never forget how God discloses these things and events to me before they actually happen, even how little..for i know they're enough. Enough for the day, for the moment because He is the god of sufficiency...and He knows me too well. I may be stubborn, yes. And i may always struggle listening. But only He knows how to deal with me...And i feel so loved and blessed despite the trying times and painful loss. He was there, He is still here as i nurse the wounds of death and try to embrace his healing. He discloses a little until perfection comes. He gives a preview of some of what was to take place, not all of it for His character, which is many, must remain an awesome truth for me. He reveals only what He knows i can handle, not what i just wanted to see....After all, He is the GOD and I am just his creation--He died for to ransom from death. I may have lost my mom now to Him. How else would i want her losing to?....
Monday, August 13, 2007
"I ASK GOD"
PSALMS 27:1 - The Lord is my LIGHT and my salvation - whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall i be afraid?
ROMANS1:16 - I am not ashamed of the gospel for it is the power (MIGHT) of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the jew, then for the gentile.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my LIGHT AND MIGHT. He has taken me out of darkness into His light so that i can see and experience His might.
If there's one question i've been longing to ask GOD and was given the chance to ask HIM now, i would ask "When will my trials and testings ever end?"...and if he's ever gonna answer, i would want Him to give me a very clear and certain answer that would leave me satisfied and not wanting for more.
This is not the first time i asked Him that. Unmindful of both my question and His answer, i realized my question was never really answered specifically, but instead, He bombards me with assurances that are easy to understand with the human intellect but hardest to embrace with the believer's heart. Ironic? Yes!.. and that's me; me, who claims to be a child of god; me, who doesn't see God when i'm in the middle of storm and in seemingly dark and lonely nights. I did not see Him glowing there because i anticipate Him to a blazing fire that must engulf my darkness... I missed His whisper and gentle voice so many times because i was waiting for His thunderous shout as a response to my desperate cries.
But am i really ready to listen? I guess, the willingness of my spirit was taken over by the pain and sadness my heart goes through, and i failed to see God. How can i measure the magnitude of His greatness?..that even if i'm not ready or refuse to listen, He insistently pursues me, saying over and over, "Look around when you doubt. I am closer than you think." I will never be ready to hear Him out, especially so when I'm treading through tough times...I will always miss out His steps astriding mine if i remain in a state of desperation. But there is something in God that is His and His alone--HIS MAGNANIMITY!..Oh, sure , God! You're so huge, i cannot find You. You're anywhere and everywhere, but nowhere with me. Am i ready for this?...gently,as always, but firm and certain, He reminds me of Hebrews 11:1-"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."..and continues on, "I hear and see you saying this yourself and sharing to others the same. Where, now, is yours? when was the last time i failed you? or, did i ever?" "Continue to have faith and do what you know is right. Some people have rejected this, and their faith has been shipwrecked."(1Tim.1:19)
Here is God telling me to continue on with my faith as if i lost it somewhere...or have i not? Looking back and pondering through those painful tests, did i not, for a second, lose it when i asked "Why this again, God? Are you seeing this? If you are and you can, then do something!" The demand came as though God doesn't care...as if He leaves me for dead...But i'm not. And i realized i totally lost it...i screwed up! i sucked! I'm shameful!...yet God, in all that He is (so great, i can't imagine; not one or all words can sum Him up)prepares me, again, gently and ever patient, to listen and be ready for His ultimate answer to my question: Matthew 5:3-12 (The Beatitudes) and 1Cor.3:10-15.
Am i ready to embrace this truth(s)? To worship Him and magnify Him. I, as a human, have big worries, big problems and big questions, so i need a big GOD, a bigger view of Him. As i draw nearer to Him, He seems to get larger and unconsumable. As my vision of Him expands, so must my faith and hope in Him. Most of all, I am significant to Him not because of what i do, be it good or bad, but because of whose i am. I AM HIS.
14 august 2007
ROMANS1:16 - I am not ashamed of the gospel for it is the power (MIGHT) of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the jew, then for the gentile.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my LIGHT AND MIGHT. He has taken me out of darkness into His light so that i can see and experience His might.
If there's one question i've been longing to ask GOD and was given the chance to ask HIM now, i would ask "When will my trials and testings ever end?"...and if he's ever gonna answer, i would want Him to give me a very clear and certain answer that would leave me satisfied and not wanting for more.
This is not the first time i asked Him that. Unmindful of both my question and His answer, i realized my question was never really answered specifically, but instead, He bombards me with assurances that are easy to understand with the human intellect but hardest to embrace with the believer's heart. Ironic? Yes!.. and that's me; me, who claims to be a child of god; me, who doesn't see God when i'm in the middle of storm and in seemingly dark and lonely nights. I did not see Him glowing there because i anticipate Him to a blazing fire that must engulf my darkness... I missed His whisper and gentle voice so many times because i was waiting for His thunderous shout as a response to my desperate cries.
But am i really ready to listen? I guess, the willingness of my spirit was taken over by the pain and sadness my heart goes through, and i failed to see God. How can i measure the magnitude of His greatness?..that even if i'm not ready or refuse to listen, He insistently pursues me, saying over and over, "Look around when you doubt. I am closer than you think." I will never be ready to hear Him out, especially so when I'm treading through tough times...I will always miss out His steps astriding mine if i remain in a state of desperation. But there is something in God that is His and His alone--HIS MAGNANIMITY!..Oh, sure , God! You're so huge, i cannot find You. You're anywhere and everywhere, but nowhere with me. Am i ready for this?...gently,as always, but firm and certain, He reminds me of Hebrews 11:1-"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."..and continues on, "I hear and see you saying this yourself and sharing to others the same. Where, now, is yours? when was the last time i failed you? or, did i ever?" "Continue to have faith and do what you know is right. Some people have rejected this, and their faith has been shipwrecked."(1Tim.1:19)
Here is God telling me to continue on with my faith as if i lost it somewhere...or have i not? Looking back and pondering through those painful tests, did i not, for a second, lose it when i asked "Why this again, God? Are you seeing this? If you are and you can, then do something!" The demand came as though God doesn't care...as if He leaves me for dead...But i'm not. And i realized i totally lost it...i screwed up! i sucked! I'm shameful!...yet God, in all that He is (so great, i can't imagine; not one or all words can sum Him up)prepares me, again, gently and ever patient, to listen and be ready for His ultimate answer to my question: Matthew 5:3-12 (The Beatitudes) and 1Cor.3:10-15.
Am i ready to embrace this truth(s)? To worship Him and magnify Him. I, as a human, have big worries, big problems and big questions, so i need a big GOD, a bigger view of Him. As i draw nearer to Him, He seems to get larger and unconsumable. As my vision of Him expands, so must my faith and hope in Him. Most of all, I am significant to Him not because of what i do, be it good or bad, but because of whose i am. I AM HIS.
14 august 2007
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