When Clouds Dissapear

20 march 2009

The outpatient surgery was already done and the result of the biopsy, i was told, will be out in about three (3) days after. My oncologist told me to come back for a follow up and for the result after a week. I wanted to argue that it only takes three days to know the result of the biopsy, but then i thought to myself maybe a week after would be better. I guess, by then i am all ready to hear and finally know the "BIG" thing.

Nearing to that "a week after" was like watching a suspense thriller where you want the movie to end already so you could finally breathe your most usual and easy. In between that waiting period was really a test of faith. Would i go on believing? or choose to doubt His faithfulness, and so deceive myself? However hard and difficult that seemed, more so when i was all by myself, i chose to just depend on God who sustained me, at least to my limited understanding and ability, for what i was lacking at the time. Being in this situation, it was really hard to be still. At one point, I found myself just crying in fear. Obet and i have decided to call mitzie and tell her about what was going on back here. As expected, she sounded offended not letting her know from "day one", but the urge to just get home grew intense. She bought the plane ticket right away and was home the day i was supposed to go back to my doctor for the result.


23, March

The clinic was already filled with patients when we arrived. Sitting there with Mitzie and Lei, and with my husband walking around the vicinity, i was all prepared to listen and accept whatever. I just wanted to hear the result. Whatever it would be, how i'm gonna handle it and what steps and another yet preparation will i take in case the outcome is unfavorable, i don't want to think about at that moment. I just wanted to know and end the agony of waiting. When my turn came, Obet went inside with me. My doctor told me to lie down on the examination bed and handed Obet the result. "It's not cancerous", he said. Upon hearing it, i felt a big relief and all i can say is "Thank you, Lord! Praise You, God!" He proceeded to undress the cut, cleaned it with betadine solution and just left it uncovered. It would dry up sooner without gauze cover. I looked at it and can't find the cut as i was lying on my back. The doctor and his aide laughed and told me it's not really obvious. It will even become unnoticeable when it completely heals. It is, indeed, today. It is barely seen, barely there.

What did i learn from this? So many...first, that God is a loving God. Although the mass in my breast turned out benign for now, It doesn't mean He loves me less if it turned out malignant. I may have another mass or lump sooner or later; it could be not just one; it may turn cancerous when it reappears. Nothing will ever be sure. In this life, i learned, no one is really sure of what the next day would be like or what tomorrow may bring. The life i have now is not at all mine. It is HIS and no matter what i do, if i don't live it out for Him, it is futile and meaningless. He gave me this life freely though undeserving and He alone can take it away from me whenever He wishes. At the same time, He alone can comfort me like no other can. God is always with me whatever my heart's condition is, whenever i doubt, or when i'm sad, helpless, afraid, anxious, weak, alone...however little my faith is and as imperfect as i am, He remains His true character: FAITHFUL to the end. I could go on with longest list i can produce. It has no end for He is limitless and unfathomable. Whoever may be reading this, i pray and hope you will have your own moment of God and with God, too. SHALOM!!

JUST ONE SIMPLE TOUCH

11 March 2009


It was Tuesday last week 04 March when i was doing my routine self-examination that i felt a lump in my right breast. It is located in the areola area and suddenly i was afraid, scared even. The thought of the worst scenario rushed through my mind. I told my husband, and he asked me to show him exactly where it is. When he actually felt it, he obviously was worried too, and then told me not to cry because it can still be treated. The next day i was in the Breast Clinic of the Medical City to do mammogram. On Saturday, i got the results and there indeed is the mass and it is being recommended for ultrasound which i did Monday after that weekend. The results were out the following day and it says "moderately suspicious of malignancy".

During this whole time, a lot of things have been going on in my mind. I remember that time when i was praying for my husband with a seemingly impatient attitude, asking God " Lord, what would it take for him to return to you? As in desperation, i said to Him, "whatever it takes Lord...just bring him back to you. What else do i need to do or is there something i should do?" I even asked my small group in one of our meetings if it was wrong not to pray often for something you've been praying for so long because you knew God would give it to you in time; or was it a show of impatience and half belief? Paulie, our doctor bro. cited I thessalonians 5:16-18 "be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." It gave me a renewed perspective- to go on believing regardless of whether i see God's hands in my daily life or not; or fail to see, that, yes, He is indeed moving in His own majestic, unfathomable ways.

"Moderately suspicious of malignancy"...I have always believed, and with a number of people telling me, that i am, indeed, a courageous person. But at one point, having seen the result of my ultrasound, it had brought a whole lot of fear in me. To add that one of my aunties (my mother's sister) had breast cancer makes me feel uncertain all the more. To me at that time, the word "suspicion" seemed to ring out loud "surreal".

March 15, a Sunday..my youngest daughter, Micah is one of the back up singers of the Praise and Worship team at the service. I remember when i told her i have a lump in my breast, she cried like i was dying already and i was laughing at her. Lei, my second (but not necessarily in that rank) daughter told her, "Micah, let's pray na wala lang yun. Di pa naman conclusive yun eh." I am so sure they both do pray for me and so thankful for having children like them. My eldest, Mitzie, is still waiting for the cancellation of her OPT from the USCIS before she can go out of the states. I don't want her to worry back there, and feel so helpless for me. But just the same, she really would be angry at me for not telling her sooner. I know she would pray for me and my condition the way she always does. Anyways, the preaching by Pastor Gus Lising was so timely (as God always is). He made us, the congregation, exchange all our concerns - fears, anxieties, illness, relationships, sins, distrust, unfaithful hearts,and what-have-us with a tiny mustard seed that he laboriously looked for where, i don't know. As i walked towards the altar to exchange my written concerns and headed back to my seat, my husband who comes to the church only to pick us up on Sundays was suddenly there, and sat beside us. Upon having himself seated, he turned to me and said "sorry kagabi ha?" I smiled and said, "sanay na ko dun," not knowing what to say because i was really overjoyed to see him actually there! All of a sudden, I remembered my prayer the night before, amidst my fear and anxieties, when again, i asked God, "when will my husband ever return to you?"....today, a Sunday in church, I cried telling God, "Lord, ang bilis naman.. :)"

That same night i was back on my knees again, asking God to remove all my fears and clear my anxious mind of anything that may hinder His grace. As He is ever present, i can say that it's one reality which speaks of Him the most in this phase of my journey. I don't know how to relate it but i always feel Him beside me. If that isn't enough to pacify me and my unsettling mind, then i don't know anymore what could.

Whenever Obet, my dear husband, and i are alone by ourselves, i can feel his concern and worry about my condition, more so because we are all still clueless as to what this may really be. With as much strength and courage i could muster, i answer all his questions matter-of-factly to maybe mask my own. He was ever so insistent that i consult directly to an oncologist to be able to know at once what to do and do fast whatever is needed. "Because", he told me, "if you go to your ob-gyn and she tells you it might be cancerous, kakabahan ka pa." I found it funny and smiling i quipped, "Eh sinasabi mo na nga ngayon eh."

Tomorrow, i will have my outpatient surgery at around 1pm at St. Luke's Medical Center. I'm not sure yet how fast the result will come out. Until then, i will rest, assured in God's love and His protection. For now, i am trusting God--for His will is perfect.


Today, March 17, Tuesday is the day for my surgery. I was already briefed, though not specifically, by my surgical oncologist about how he will go through it and it neither really sounded bad nor scary... until i was actually lying on the operating table. I had three previous caesarian section operations and i didn't have any of the fears i am having now. Of course, being excited than afraid was what i felt during those times. I mean, i can go through anything in any way just to see my baby and hold it with my hands. Today is totally different. I am being operated on for a mass that must be taken out to find out whether it's benign or malignant; and i have yet to wait for another week to finally know. The surgery lasted for about forty (40) minutes or so. First, the nurse (Jenny) who attended to me was especially nice. I guess, they were really trained so well in handling patients. Talking to them makes any patient relaxed and at ease . My doctor, again briefed me as to the procedure and details of it and was really extra attentive to me and my concerns, be it nonsense or sensible to him. A doze of anaesthesia was injected to the exact area where the lump is. After a few seconds, and in the middle of questioning me whether i could feel his pinching or if it was already numb, i felt the tugging, the movement of an electronic device that was ( i think) supposed to open up the "part". There was the smell of burnt skin as the result of the device being used, there was also a number of scraping (basing only on how i felt), cutting, again tugging, again cutting what seemed to be (at least to me) the suture. I remember telling the doctor i was feeling the pain four times during the course of the procedure and each time he would inject more or additional anaesthesia. Then he would go on as usual making sure i was comfortable. After a few more tugging, stretching, scraping and cutting, my nurse, who was holding my right hand above my head the whole time looked at me, making sure i was also looking at her, and finally said "okay na, tapos na."

The cut was already dressed when they pulled down the drape or covering in front of my face so as of now, i have no idea how big or small it is but it covers mostly my upper breast, areola included. They helped me up and as i was in sitting position, they were asking if i felt dizzy or something. I was feeling ok and i asked where the lump that was taken was and the doctor showed it to me. It was like the size of a small calamansi but bigger than a marble (or holen). It looks solid but not hard and it contained fluid inside, according to him. The fluid was not what he was after but the solid thick wall that surrounds it. That one. That part is the one to be subjected for biopsy. That night, as i was told, the pain would be felt...and it sure was. After the effect of the anaesthesia subsided, the pain was there, making sure the revenge of the wound was real. The pain felt like it was slicing through the wound. It really wasn't something that i couldn't endure but was not really anything tolerable, so i took two caplets of tylenol - one pm (for the night) and one extra strength. The pain didn't go right away and i cried everytime it was "ripping" through, not because of the pain itself but maybe, just maybe, for me it signals a whole lot of change and uncertainties. Things i won't get an answer for now...but is also a sign of hope, of resolution and the spring of another chapter in life...that must be told.

It all began with just a simple touch. A touch that would tell whether my body corresponds with my intention and expectation of wellness but getting otherwise...until then i will try to be still, knowing that whatever happens, He has HIS wonderful plans for me behind all these.