"I am not a perfect daughter; but it is through these imperfections that i find my mother perfect."
-cyrob
"A dying, restless spirit i will be, had JESUS not come to rescue me."
Thank you,LORD that you do not change even if I do,
and you remain the same even if i don't.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
GOD DISCLOSES A LITTLE...
Everyday, God discloses a little something about Himself.It's been years now since i experienced some kind of "vision" i hardly understand and none of them makes it easy for me to accept or ever gets myself anywhere near to embracing it. Why would i "feel" earthquakes before it happens when and where?..and as if it's not confusing enough to be denied of the reason(s) why in the world must i know of it when i can't do anything to stop it or just anything about it. Later, i would learn that God discloses a little...just enough to make me pause and wonder...
Recently, i lost my mom to an old-age illness. Although diabetes and hypertension run in the family medical history, i am grateful that she caught it at age 77. Months before her death, i was perplexed at this strange feeling. I would be very nervous when i was most relaxed and cause for stress is nowhere in sight. I take 5mg.of Strumazol everyday for my hyperthyroidism and that should keep the hyperactivity of my thyroid hormone glands down or normal, so to speak. So it bothers me to be feeling eerie. The best solution to this is prayer, i learned, and so i did and always do extra at these times. The sense of urgency to pray for my mom crept in. I asked God to grant me the privilege to be around if and when something bad would happen to my dear mother. I want to make sure i can take care of her if needed. Sounds like a good bargain, right? But, no. I don't even want to think of the inevitable coming.
Around January of this year, my family was planning on a trip to the U.S. and things went on smoothly and pretty fast. From securing the visas down to the last hotel booking for sidetrips were all a bliss. Strangely, i felt a bit of uneasiness again. Then, i started to pray for the plans; that if this is not His plan for us, that's ok as long as He will prepare me for something else. There goes the bargain again. That prayer, period. Comes the waiting game...
Our plane tickets has April 22,2007 as its departure date. My mother was rushed to the hospital Apr.17 due to difficulty of breathing. She needs angioplasty that would open up the blocked arteries causing her chest congestion, palpitations and limited mobility. But the risks are greater than the cure and relief considering her age at the time which is 80. I would visit her everyday and would try as much as i can to make her feel better, trying to avoid the idea of the risky procedure. On april 19, i was planning to visit her in the afternoon but for some nonsense reason (from my viewpoint), i postponed it till later that night. When i arrived at the hospital, she was catching her breath, restless and irritable. She said she couldn't breath well. My eldest sister and nephew seemed still relax and were hoping it would soon go away. But not me. I went to the nurses' station and asked them to see my mom and to please do something, anything to relieve her of the condition because i can see that she was starting to feel nervous, herself. It took them like eternity to move and act until my mother literally began to huff and puff, grew her face so pale, it looked like a piece of typewriting paper. All these times, i was at her side together with her yaya, holding her hands, saying that she was gonna be alright; that we would do anything to make her feel better, and would have the doctors do everything they could to put her in best condition again. She repeatedly told me to tell the doctors to make her breath again normally because if not, she might die. Again and again she uttered those words fearfully. And we were both crying, all of us crying. If only i could do something to ease her of pain; if i could only take out what's blocking her arteries...Her breathing sounded short and out of air; her shoulders up and were never down again until it seemed like she breathed her last. I hurriedly and frantically searched for her heartbeat but couldn't find it in her chest, under her face, the middle of her lower neck, her wrists-it's gone! I shouted the doctor and realizing they have a life to save( or bring back?), did all things medical science could. For about seven minutes she was lying there, motionless and lifeless. Her hands earlier steadily gripping mine were now both loose and would not hold back no matter how loud i called her nanay...I muttered a prayer, "Lord, bring her back! bring her back, please..!" A little later, she started to pull air in again, and again, and again until the doctors started putting tubes through her mouth straight to her lungs. That would make her breathing easier and better. That would mean she would be brought to the intensive care unit and be monitored closely until we decide to put her under the angioplasty procedure...That was the most dreadful, most painful, longest seven minutes in my entire life... I realized it was all meant well that i went to the hospital in the evening rather than in the afternoon. Then it began to sink in. All the plans we did for the U.S. trip must be put aside now,at least for the time being and i am okay. my family is and we all want to stay for nanay. I know, God is disclosing a little of His character. He wants to be fully in all my plans for He can not give me what i need if I won't let Him. Sure, i can do all the plans in the world.. He doesn't take that away from me. But taking Him in every step of my way in this life is not all hard either.
For a week now, my nanay still stayed in the ICU and we took turns visiting her. Every member of the family saw to it that he/she can go and see her. There were days that nanay would seem to get better. But as days went on, her heart condition is taking the better of her. One day, she looked fine and would ask when can she get out of the ICU for she's ok already (according to her). The next day, she would look so waisted and too tired that doctors would not allow her even to speak. Holding her hands when i was on her side, i would always tell her, "I love you", and will grip my hand back. It was enough for us, no need for words..
It was april 24, my birthday, and my father greeted me a happy one. I told him i'm not happy. at all. Feeling so helpless, i cried bitterly, thinking if i could only do something to make my nanay even a bit better, if not to afford the angioplasty. Leaving the hospital in a state of desperation and sadness, a prayer for her was on my mind until i fell asleep. The next day, the money we were all wondering where and when it might come from came one day. My two other sisters in the States, by God's miraculous grace and perfect timing were able to secure the money needed for angioplasty of my mom. There was no time waisted and the procedure was scheduled, leaving everyone of us very hopeful nanay would come out strong and bubbly again...I suddenly missed her at that point. Always wearing a smile when she sees me and my daughters. Never failing to offer any food there is, no matter how simple and little, whenever we visit her. I could vividly imagine her in the kitchen whipping up recipes that only she can cook perfectly because hers is done without accurate measurements but all dependent on her taste. Her wisdom shared with us at the time it is most needed; always spoken with love, sans condemnation if ever any of us failed her. Those "girl talk" we had during happy moments amidst lack and want in life. She would always tell us, "a person is human enough if he/she knows how and what it is to be ashamed of, and always carry with him/her manners". My family had a lot of those trying times when we only have each other and would be contented with whatever there is. Those sad and trying times of survival..and boy, how we did! All because we have this amazing, wonderful woman: deprived of earthly wealth but richest in wisdom and strength. Building my own family left my mom and i little time together but every time i visit her, she never failed to ask how my husband is, our married life, my children's well-being.. she wanted to be in it, no matter how insignificant it may seem to everyone else. But not to me, or any of her gestures. I value them so much even if I may have failed to show her that. Nothing can measure or size up how i looked up to her.
The next day, my sister, Ottie, in the states called me up to say that money for the procedure was on its way. We scheduled right away the angioplasty the following day, the 26th. Excitement filled the air and the hearts of everyone knowing that finally, we could see her again in her usual bubbly, happy, and talkative mood. Everyone was hopeful but something in my heart was feeling adversely. It would not go away even if i deny and reject it. When i looked at nanay's face when she was being wheeled out of the ICU and loaded on the ambulance(procedure to be done in another hospital), I sensed peace and calmness in her. I wasn't sure now if she understood or even grasp what i said, that she'll be okay soon after the procedure; and that i love her...Still, i was wrestling the idea that God was trying to put in my mind and heart now. Strongly resentful, i said no! But God kept on disclosing something to me..
A few minutes passed and the doctor came out of the room to tell us that this was an emergency now after the angiogram revealed that there were three blocked arteries, one of which is the main artery. He was asking us the permission to do the angioplasty. Of course my ate connie and i agreed without hesitation and even asked him to do it quickly. My heart was pounding hard and loud. The whisper of the "thought" (or vision?) came louder as well and suddenly, i wanted to be deaf, if only to avoid hearing and feeling it. GOD,NO!...Please...? My excitement to see the doctor emerging from the door was now replaced with fear. I know that the moment he walked out of it, he would break the saddest news i was to hear in my life...and it came...so soon, sooner than i thought, or maybe i wanted just to prolong life...that life lived out so well and full of meaning...that life full of heart to everyone, a heart meant to truly love and sacrifice for every one she loved...My dearest mom...my one and only one mother...i could no longer hold the hands of; i can never whisper "i love you" to anymore..it was painful, i can't seem to bear, i wanted to feel numb...i wanted to scream, to shout her name and call her back...but God said, "it is enough."; so gently and assuring, so heartwarming..so...fatherly. In the midst of pain and halfway through acceptance, He told me to be strong for my family who, now needs strength and He is willing to give it to each one of us. I must receive it and come out as He graciously wanted it..Strong in the LORD. I called up my husband to tell him that nanay is gone. He said he was sorry and arranged for the funeral service that must take the "body" from the hospital. The "body" that used to be that person i considered my best friend. The one who always understands me when everyone cannot; who always loved me through the unlovable times that i was; and who was willing to always take me back home in her arms when no one could and no one would. She used to tell me, "Remember, no matter how bad or ugly you may seem to other people i will still love you, it won't change because you're my child...and when no one seemed to love you, come back to me, i will always be here loving you." ....i will forever remember those words..i will never forget how God discloses these things and events to me before they actually happen, even how little..for i know they're enough. Enough for the day, for the moment because He is the god of sufficiency...and He knows me too well. I may be stubborn, yes. And i may always struggle listening. But only He knows how to deal with me...And i feel so loved and blessed despite the trying times and painful loss. He was there, He is still here as i nurse the wounds of death and try to embrace his healing. He discloses a little until perfection comes. He gives a preview of some of what was to take place, not all of it for His character, which is many, must remain an awesome truth for me. He reveals only what He knows i can handle, not what i just wanted to see....After all, He is the GOD and I am just his creation--He died for to ransom from death. I may have lost my mom now to Him. How else would i want her losing to?....
Recently, i lost my mom to an old-age illness. Although diabetes and hypertension run in the family medical history, i am grateful that she caught it at age 77. Months before her death, i was perplexed at this strange feeling. I would be very nervous when i was most relaxed and cause for stress is nowhere in sight. I take 5mg.of Strumazol everyday for my hyperthyroidism and that should keep the hyperactivity of my thyroid hormone glands down or normal, so to speak. So it bothers me to be feeling eerie. The best solution to this is prayer, i learned, and so i did and always do extra at these times. The sense of urgency to pray for my mom crept in. I asked God to grant me the privilege to be around if and when something bad would happen to my dear mother. I want to make sure i can take care of her if needed. Sounds like a good bargain, right? But, no. I don't even want to think of the inevitable coming.
Around January of this year, my family was planning on a trip to the U.S. and things went on smoothly and pretty fast. From securing the visas down to the last hotel booking for sidetrips were all a bliss. Strangely, i felt a bit of uneasiness again. Then, i started to pray for the plans; that if this is not His plan for us, that's ok as long as He will prepare me for something else. There goes the bargain again. That prayer, period. Comes the waiting game...
Our plane tickets has April 22,2007 as its departure date. My mother was rushed to the hospital Apr.17 due to difficulty of breathing. She needs angioplasty that would open up the blocked arteries causing her chest congestion, palpitations and limited mobility. But the risks are greater than the cure and relief considering her age at the time which is 80. I would visit her everyday and would try as much as i can to make her feel better, trying to avoid the idea of the risky procedure. On april 19, i was planning to visit her in the afternoon but for some nonsense reason (from my viewpoint), i postponed it till later that night. When i arrived at the hospital, she was catching her breath, restless and irritable. She said she couldn't breath well. My eldest sister and nephew seemed still relax and were hoping it would soon go away. But not me. I went to the nurses' station and asked them to see my mom and to please do something, anything to relieve her of the condition because i can see that she was starting to feel nervous, herself. It took them like eternity to move and act until my mother literally began to huff and puff, grew her face so pale, it looked like a piece of typewriting paper. All these times, i was at her side together with her yaya, holding her hands, saying that she was gonna be alright; that we would do anything to make her feel better, and would have the doctors do everything they could to put her in best condition again. She repeatedly told me to tell the doctors to make her breath again normally because if not, she might die. Again and again she uttered those words fearfully. And we were both crying, all of us crying. If only i could do something to ease her of pain; if i could only take out what's blocking her arteries...Her breathing sounded short and out of air; her shoulders up and were never down again until it seemed like she breathed her last. I hurriedly and frantically searched for her heartbeat but couldn't find it in her chest, under her face, the middle of her lower neck, her wrists-it's gone! I shouted the doctor and realizing they have a life to save( or bring back?), did all things medical science could. For about seven minutes she was lying there, motionless and lifeless. Her hands earlier steadily gripping mine were now both loose and would not hold back no matter how loud i called her nanay...I muttered a prayer, "Lord, bring her back! bring her back, please..!" A little later, she started to pull air in again, and again, and again until the doctors started putting tubes through her mouth straight to her lungs. That would make her breathing easier and better. That would mean she would be brought to the intensive care unit and be monitored closely until we decide to put her under the angioplasty procedure...That was the most dreadful, most painful, longest seven minutes in my entire life... I realized it was all meant well that i went to the hospital in the evening rather than in the afternoon. Then it began to sink in. All the plans we did for the U.S. trip must be put aside now,at least for the time being and i am okay. my family is and we all want to stay for nanay. I know, God is disclosing a little of His character. He wants to be fully in all my plans for He can not give me what i need if I won't let Him. Sure, i can do all the plans in the world.. He doesn't take that away from me. But taking Him in every step of my way in this life is not all hard either.
For a week now, my nanay still stayed in the ICU and we took turns visiting her. Every member of the family saw to it that he/she can go and see her. There were days that nanay would seem to get better. But as days went on, her heart condition is taking the better of her. One day, she looked fine and would ask when can she get out of the ICU for she's ok already (according to her). The next day, she would look so waisted and too tired that doctors would not allow her even to speak. Holding her hands when i was on her side, i would always tell her, "I love you", and will grip my hand back. It was enough for us, no need for words..
It was april 24, my birthday, and my father greeted me a happy one. I told him i'm not happy. at all. Feeling so helpless, i cried bitterly, thinking if i could only do something to make my nanay even a bit better, if not to afford the angioplasty. Leaving the hospital in a state of desperation and sadness, a prayer for her was on my mind until i fell asleep. The next day, the money we were all wondering where and when it might come from came one day. My two other sisters in the States, by God's miraculous grace and perfect timing were able to secure the money needed for angioplasty of my mom. There was no time waisted and the procedure was scheduled, leaving everyone of us very hopeful nanay would come out strong and bubbly again...I suddenly missed her at that point. Always wearing a smile when she sees me and my daughters. Never failing to offer any food there is, no matter how simple and little, whenever we visit her. I could vividly imagine her in the kitchen whipping up recipes that only she can cook perfectly because hers is done without accurate measurements but all dependent on her taste. Her wisdom shared with us at the time it is most needed; always spoken with love, sans condemnation if ever any of us failed her. Those "girl talk" we had during happy moments amidst lack and want in life. She would always tell us, "a person is human enough if he/she knows how and what it is to be ashamed of, and always carry with him/her manners". My family had a lot of those trying times when we only have each other and would be contented with whatever there is. Those sad and trying times of survival..and boy, how we did! All because we have this amazing, wonderful woman: deprived of earthly wealth but richest in wisdom and strength. Building my own family left my mom and i little time together but every time i visit her, she never failed to ask how my husband is, our married life, my children's well-being.. she wanted to be in it, no matter how insignificant it may seem to everyone else. But not to me, or any of her gestures. I value them so much even if I may have failed to show her that. Nothing can measure or size up how i looked up to her.
The next day, my sister, Ottie, in the states called me up to say that money for the procedure was on its way. We scheduled right away the angioplasty the following day, the 26th. Excitement filled the air and the hearts of everyone knowing that finally, we could see her again in her usual bubbly, happy, and talkative mood. Everyone was hopeful but something in my heart was feeling adversely. It would not go away even if i deny and reject it. When i looked at nanay's face when she was being wheeled out of the ICU and loaded on the ambulance(procedure to be done in another hospital), I sensed peace and calmness in her. I wasn't sure now if she understood or even grasp what i said, that she'll be okay soon after the procedure; and that i love her...Still, i was wrestling the idea that God was trying to put in my mind and heart now. Strongly resentful, i said no! But God kept on disclosing something to me..
A few minutes passed and the doctor came out of the room to tell us that this was an emergency now after the angiogram revealed that there were three blocked arteries, one of which is the main artery. He was asking us the permission to do the angioplasty. Of course my ate connie and i agreed without hesitation and even asked him to do it quickly. My heart was pounding hard and loud. The whisper of the "thought" (or vision?) came louder as well and suddenly, i wanted to be deaf, if only to avoid hearing and feeling it. GOD,NO!...Please...? My excitement to see the doctor emerging from the door was now replaced with fear. I know that the moment he walked out of it, he would break the saddest news i was to hear in my life...and it came...so soon, sooner than i thought, or maybe i wanted just to prolong life...that life lived out so well and full of meaning...that life full of heart to everyone, a heart meant to truly love and sacrifice for every one she loved...My dearest mom...my one and only one mother...i could no longer hold the hands of; i can never whisper "i love you" to anymore..it was painful, i can't seem to bear, i wanted to feel numb...i wanted to scream, to shout her name and call her back...but God said, "it is enough."; so gently and assuring, so heartwarming..so...fatherly. In the midst of pain and halfway through acceptance, He told me to be strong for my family who, now needs strength and He is willing to give it to each one of us. I must receive it and come out as He graciously wanted it..Strong in the LORD. I called up my husband to tell him that nanay is gone. He said he was sorry and arranged for the funeral service that must take the "body" from the hospital. The "body" that used to be that person i considered my best friend. The one who always understands me when everyone cannot; who always loved me through the unlovable times that i was; and who was willing to always take me back home in her arms when no one could and no one would. She used to tell me, "Remember, no matter how bad or ugly you may seem to other people i will still love you, it won't change because you're my child...and when no one seemed to love you, come back to me, i will always be here loving you." ....i will forever remember those words..i will never forget how God discloses these things and events to me before they actually happen, even how little..for i know they're enough. Enough for the day, for the moment because He is the god of sufficiency...and He knows me too well. I may be stubborn, yes. And i may always struggle listening. But only He knows how to deal with me...And i feel so loved and blessed despite the trying times and painful loss. He was there, He is still here as i nurse the wounds of death and try to embrace his healing. He discloses a little until perfection comes. He gives a preview of some of what was to take place, not all of it for His character, which is many, must remain an awesome truth for me. He reveals only what He knows i can handle, not what i just wanted to see....After all, He is the GOD and I am just his creation--He died for to ransom from death. I may have lost my mom now to Him. How else would i want her losing to?....
Monday, August 13, 2007
"I ASK GOD"
PSALMS 27:1 - The Lord is my LIGHT and my salvation - whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall i be afraid?
ROMANS1:16 - I am not ashamed of the gospel for it is the power (MIGHT) of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the jew, then for the gentile.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my LIGHT AND MIGHT. He has taken me out of darkness into His light so that i can see and experience His might.
If there's one question i've been longing to ask GOD and was given the chance to ask HIM now, i would ask "When will my trials and testings ever end?"...and if he's ever gonna answer, i would want Him to give me a very clear and certain answer that would leave me satisfied and not wanting for more.
This is not the first time i asked Him that. Unmindful of both my question and His answer, i realized my question was never really answered specifically, but instead, He bombards me with assurances that are easy to understand with the human intellect but hardest to embrace with the believer's heart. Ironic? Yes!.. and that's me; me, who claims to be a child of god; me, who doesn't see God when i'm in the middle of storm and in seemingly dark and lonely nights. I did not see Him glowing there because i anticipate Him to a blazing fire that must engulf my darkness... I missed His whisper and gentle voice so many times because i was waiting for His thunderous shout as a response to my desperate cries.
But am i really ready to listen? I guess, the willingness of my spirit was taken over by the pain and sadness my heart goes through, and i failed to see God. How can i measure the magnitude of His greatness?..that even if i'm not ready or refuse to listen, He insistently pursues me, saying over and over, "Look around when you doubt. I am closer than you think." I will never be ready to hear Him out, especially so when I'm treading through tough times...I will always miss out His steps astriding mine if i remain in a state of desperation. But there is something in God that is His and His alone--HIS MAGNANIMITY!..Oh, sure , God! You're so huge, i cannot find You. You're anywhere and everywhere, but nowhere with me. Am i ready for this?...gently,as always, but firm and certain, He reminds me of Hebrews 11:1-"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."..and continues on, "I hear and see you saying this yourself and sharing to others the same. Where, now, is yours? when was the last time i failed you? or, did i ever?" "Continue to have faith and do what you know is right. Some people have rejected this, and their faith has been shipwrecked."(1Tim.1:19)
Here is God telling me to continue on with my faith as if i lost it somewhere...or have i not? Looking back and pondering through those painful tests, did i not, for a second, lose it when i asked "Why this again, God? Are you seeing this? If you are and you can, then do something!" The demand came as though God doesn't care...as if He leaves me for dead...But i'm not. And i realized i totally lost it...i screwed up! i sucked! I'm shameful!...yet God, in all that He is (so great, i can't imagine; not one or all words can sum Him up)prepares me, again, gently and ever patient, to listen and be ready for His ultimate answer to my question: Matthew 5:3-12 (The Beatitudes) and 1Cor.3:10-15.
Am i ready to embrace this truth(s)? To worship Him and magnify Him. I, as a human, have big worries, big problems and big questions, so i need a big GOD, a bigger view of Him. As i draw nearer to Him, He seems to get larger and unconsumable. As my vision of Him expands, so must my faith and hope in Him. Most of all, I am significant to Him not because of what i do, be it good or bad, but because of whose i am. I AM HIS.
14 august 2007
ROMANS1:16 - I am not ashamed of the gospel for it is the power (MIGHT) of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the jew, then for the gentile.
The Lord Jesus Christ is my LIGHT AND MIGHT. He has taken me out of darkness into His light so that i can see and experience His might.
If there's one question i've been longing to ask GOD and was given the chance to ask HIM now, i would ask "When will my trials and testings ever end?"...and if he's ever gonna answer, i would want Him to give me a very clear and certain answer that would leave me satisfied and not wanting for more.
This is not the first time i asked Him that. Unmindful of both my question and His answer, i realized my question was never really answered specifically, but instead, He bombards me with assurances that are easy to understand with the human intellect but hardest to embrace with the believer's heart. Ironic? Yes!.. and that's me; me, who claims to be a child of god; me, who doesn't see God when i'm in the middle of storm and in seemingly dark and lonely nights. I did not see Him glowing there because i anticipate Him to a blazing fire that must engulf my darkness... I missed His whisper and gentle voice so many times because i was waiting for His thunderous shout as a response to my desperate cries.
But am i really ready to listen? I guess, the willingness of my spirit was taken over by the pain and sadness my heart goes through, and i failed to see God. How can i measure the magnitude of His greatness?..that even if i'm not ready or refuse to listen, He insistently pursues me, saying over and over, "Look around when you doubt. I am closer than you think." I will never be ready to hear Him out, especially so when I'm treading through tough times...I will always miss out His steps astriding mine if i remain in a state of desperation. But there is something in God that is His and His alone--HIS MAGNANIMITY!..Oh, sure , God! You're so huge, i cannot find You. You're anywhere and everywhere, but nowhere with me. Am i ready for this?...gently,as always, but firm and certain, He reminds me of Hebrews 11:1-"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."..and continues on, "I hear and see you saying this yourself and sharing to others the same. Where, now, is yours? when was the last time i failed you? or, did i ever?" "Continue to have faith and do what you know is right. Some people have rejected this, and their faith has been shipwrecked."(1Tim.1:19)
Here is God telling me to continue on with my faith as if i lost it somewhere...or have i not? Looking back and pondering through those painful tests, did i not, for a second, lose it when i asked "Why this again, God? Are you seeing this? If you are and you can, then do something!" The demand came as though God doesn't care...as if He leaves me for dead...But i'm not. And i realized i totally lost it...i screwed up! i sucked! I'm shameful!...yet God, in all that He is (so great, i can't imagine; not one or all words can sum Him up)prepares me, again, gently and ever patient, to listen and be ready for His ultimate answer to my question: Matthew 5:3-12 (The Beatitudes) and 1Cor.3:10-15.
Am i ready to embrace this truth(s)? To worship Him and magnify Him. I, as a human, have big worries, big problems and big questions, so i need a big GOD, a bigger view of Him. As i draw nearer to Him, He seems to get larger and unconsumable. As my vision of Him expands, so must my faith and hope in Him. Most of all, I am significant to Him not because of what i do, be it good or bad, but because of whose i am. I AM HIS.
14 august 2007
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