20 march 2009
The outpatient surgery was already done and the result of the biopsy, i was told, will be out in about three (3) days after. My oncologist told me to come back for a follow up and for the result after a week. I wanted to argue that it only takes three days to know the result of the biopsy, but then i thought to myself maybe a week after would be better. I guess, by then i am all ready to hear and finally know the "BIG" thing.
The outpatient surgery was already done and the result of the biopsy, i was told, will be out in about three (3) days after. My oncologist told me to come back for a follow up and for the result after a week. I wanted to argue that it only takes three days to know the result of the biopsy, but then i thought to myself maybe a week after would be better. I guess, by then i am all ready to hear and finally know the "BIG" thing.
Nearing to that "a week after" was like watching a suspense thriller where you want the movie to end already so you could finally breathe your most usual and easy. In between that waiting period was really a test of faith. Would i go on believing? or choose to doubt His faithfulness, and so deceive myself? However hard and difficult that seemed, more so when i was all by myself, i chose to just depend on God who sustained me, at least to my limited understanding and ability, for what i was lacking at the time. Being in this situation, it was really hard to be still. At one point, I found myself just crying in fear. Obet and i have decided to call mitzie and tell her about what was going on back here. As expected, she sounded offended not letting her know from "day one", but the urge to just get home grew intense. She bought the plane ticket right away and was home the day i was supposed to go back to my doctor for the result.
23, March
The clinic was already filled with patients when we arrived. Sitting there with Mitzie and Lei, and with my husband walking around the vicinity, i was all prepared to listen and accept whatever. I just wanted to hear the result. Whatever it would be, how i'm gonna handle it and what steps and another yet preparation will i take in case the outcome is unfavorable, i don't want to think about at that moment. I just wanted to know and end the agony of waiting. When my turn came, Obet went inside with me. My doctor told me to lie down on the examination bed and handed Obet the result. "It's not cancerous", he said. Upon hearing it, i felt a big relief and all i can say is "Thank you, Lord! Praise You, God!" He proceeded to undress the cut, cleaned it with betadine solution and just left it uncovered. It would dry up sooner without gauze cover. I looked at it and can't find the cut as i was lying on my back. The doctor and his aide laughed and told me it's not really obvious. It will even become unnoticeable when it completely heals. It is, indeed, today. It is barely seen, barely there.
What did i learn from this? So many...first, that God is a loving God. Although the mass in my breast turned out benign for now, It doesn't mean He loves me less if it turned out malignant. I may have another mass or lump sooner or later; it could be not just one; it may turn cancerous when it reappears. Nothing will ever be sure. In this life, i learned, no one is really sure of what the next day would be like or what tomorrow may bring. The life i have now is not at all mine. It is HIS and no matter what i do, if i don't live it out for Him, it is futile and meaningless. He gave me this life freely though undeserving and He alone can take it away from me whenever He wishes. At the same time, He alone can comfort me like no other can. God is always with me whatever my heart's condition is, whenever i doubt, or when i'm sad, helpless, afraid, anxious, weak, alone...however little my faith is and as imperfect as i am, He remains His true character: FAITHFUL to the end. I could go on with longest list i can produce. It has no end for He is limitless and unfathomable. Whoever may be reading this, i pray and hope you will have your own moment of God and with God, too. SHALOM!!
23, March
The clinic was already filled with patients when we arrived. Sitting there with Mitzie and Lei, and with my husband walking around the vicinity, i was all prepared to listen and accept whatever. I just wanted to hear the result. Whatever it would be, how i'm gonna handle it and what steps and another yet preparation will i take in case the outcome is unfavorable, i don't want to think about at that moment. I just wanted to know and end the agony of waiting. When my turn came, Obet went inside with me. My doctor told me to lie down on the examination bed and handed Obet the result. "It's not cancerous", he said. Upon hearing it, i felt a big relief and all i can say is "Thank you, Lord! Praise You, God!" He proceeded to undress the cut, cleaned it with betadine solution and just left it uncovered. It would dry up sooner without gauze cover. I looked at it and can't find the cut as i was lying on my back. The doctor and his aide laughed and told me it's not really obvious. It will even become unnoticeable when it completely heals. It is, indeed, today. It is barely seen, barely there.
What did i learn from this? So many...first, that God is a loving God. Although the mass in my breast turned out benign for now, It doesn't mean He loves me less if it turned out malignant. I may have another mass or lump sooner or later; it could be not just one; it may turn cancerous when it reappears. Nothing will ever be sure. In this life, i learned, no one is really sure of what the next day would be like or what tomorrow may bring. The life i have now is not at all mine. It is HIS and no matter what i do, if i don't live it out for Him, it is futile and meaningless. He gave me this life freely though undeserving and He alone can take it away from me whenever He wishes. At the same time, He alone can comfort me like no other can. God is always with me whatever my heart's condition is, whenever i doubt, or when i'm sad, helpless, afraid, anxious, weak, alone...however little my faith is and as imperfect as i am, He remains His true character: FAITHFUL to the end. I could go on with longest list i can produce. It has no end for He is limitless and unfathomable. Whoever may be reading this, i pray and hope you will have your own moment of God and with God, too. SHALOM!!
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